Rain Before the Rainbow

Tick tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock,

My eyes were glued to the clock as I patiently waited for the bell to ring. It was 3:42 PM which meant we only had 3 more minutes to go, but it felt like an eternity. I shifted my head down toward my paper and cringed at the fact that I hadn’t written anything down or answered any of the questions even though we started the assignment almost 30 minutes ago.

Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock,

The classroom felt empty, none of the boys were shouting or making unnecessary jokes, no girls were giggling and gossiping about each other, everyone was silent. It was Friday and I’m presuming they were all just as exhausted as I was and just wanted to go home. I pictured myself plopping on my bed and falling asleep, which just made it harder to concentrate on surviving the next minute in this prison disguised as a school.

BUZZZZZZZ.

“Oh my god, finally.” I thought to myself as the quiet room abruptly became ecstatic and students were once again talking and laughing. I clutched my few papers and binder and shuffled out of the class. Although everyone else was happy and excited again as soon as the bell rang, I was still tired and wasn’t in the mood to put on a happy face. 24….4…15, I unlocked my locker and hauled out my backpack then promptly shoved all my stuff inside. I closed the locker door with a quick push and heard the sharp “THUMP” as my locker shut. I went back into the classroom and put on my shoes. My friend Ty was already in there doing the same thing.

“Okay, but did anyone actually finish that paper?” Ty laughed as he tied the laces on his worn-out sneakers.

“Ptf I doubt it. I sat there staring at the clock for the whole period .” I replied honestly.

We both laughed as Ty put his arms through the straps of his bag and walked out the door.

“See you Monday” He yelled as he vanished into the crowded halls. I grabbed my stuff, smiled at the teachers as I left the now empty classroom and went to go find my friend.

After finding her, we both walked out of the school and to our houses, talking the whole way about school and boys and other unimportant things that we wanted to tell each other about.

That was the end of another week. On Monday the cycle would begin again. Except back then little did I know that that was the last week of school that everything would be normal.

I had the largest smile on my face and I raced up the stairs to inform my mom what I had just read.

“MOM, MOM!!!!! GUESS WHAT” I screamed while basically flying up the flight of stairs to the top floor.

“What?! What happened??” My mom questioned with a worried tone.

“I was just reading a school email that was sent out to everyone. We’re not gonna have school for two weeks!! Cause of this thing going around called Covid-19, so this week will be our last week of in-person school!!! ISN’T THAT INSANE!” I squealed with excitement. My mom looked confused and then glanced at the screen of my phone as I held it up to her face. She immediately called my dad and started to ask him what they were gonna do with my younger sister if her school was cancelled too. I shrugged off the fact that she completely disregarded that this was an AMAZING THING and not something they should be worried or upset about. I went on with the rest of my weekend knowing that I only had to make it through one more week of hell before I gotta get myself my well-deserved two-week vacation.

On Monday, March 16th, 2020 I went to school getting ready to just finish the last week of school before our two-week break. I practically skip to school because of how happy I was until I got inside. My big smile slowly faded away as I looked around the inside of my middle school. The water fountains were tied up with tape and there were flyers around the school about how to wash your hands and stay safe. The halls were empty because most parents got their kids to stay home. I slowly made my way to my classroom and sat down. Each day there were fewer kids in the class, one by one, they wouldn’t come. I went to school the whole week cause, of course, my parents thought it was better for me to be there. Although after around the third day none of the teachers were actually teaching anything and I guess we should have all been enjoying the free time, I had this gross sensation in my stomach as I started to realize things were a lot more serious than anyone anticipated for them to be.

Two weeks turned into three, and three turned into four. March went by quickly and then we were in April. One night in April I was feeling exhausted from staying at home so I decided to sneak out. I stayed in my pyjamas and slipped on my sneakers. It was around 2:30 AM. I creaked open the window and unostentatiously snuck out. My cat came creeping out of my bed and onto the window sill. She started to whine and meow.

“SHH. Shut up, Stormy.” I whispered in an angry voice. I shut the window and smiled at my cat as I sprang up and walked away. I took a glimpse at my house and then sighed. I walked and walked until I made it to a house that my friend told me there was a party happening. I shook the gate open and ran to the backyard where I saw a group of teenagers together laughing, talking, drinking and smoking by a fire pit. I scanned around for my friend but couldn’t find him. I sat down on a blue tarp that appeared to be an unmade tent. While I was fiddling with my fingers and gazing at the woods behind me a male who looked to be a few years older than me came up to me and commenced a conversation.

“Hey, what’s your name?” the tall blonde questioned as he passed me a coke-a-cola. I took it and nervously answered his question. After a good ten minutes of small talk, he ended up going back to the fire pit with the other people there.

I sat there sipping the coke for a bit longer until I began to feel sick. I walked a few feet away from where I was sitting and started to pace around. Why do I feel so dizzy? My heart was racing and I felt a chilling sensation tingle up my spine. I leaned over and started to vomit. It just kept coming. I grabbed my coke and started to chug it because I guessed I was dehydrated. I went to sit back down where I had been the last hour. I felt dizzy and weak. “It wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world if I lied down and took a quick nap,” I told myself. I woke up to the feeling of someone carrying me somewhere, and then someone beating me. I was awake during the entire thing, but I couldn’t move. Just move Juana. Get out. JUANA MOVE. But no matter how much I screamed at myself in my head, I couldn’t seem to get up and move.

“Stop please,” I mumbled. “No,” I said with a strained voice. I couldn’t scream, I couldn’t move, I was useless. I later woke up back outside. I was brought home in a car and crawled back through my window into my bed. My clothes were covered in blood and some other substance that I was unsure of. I sobbed in my bed the next morning, with a throbbing headache. Nothing made sense. Everything happened so suddenly. Did I dream all of this? Did this really happen?. I sat in bed all day, all week, all month.

April, May and then June went by. We never went back to school and I never went anywhere. Most of my friends stopped doing their homework and honestly school was such a joke at this point. I went on with it till the very last day though, cause for some strange reason, submitting those assignments, writing those essays, and creating those projects gave me a sense of accomplishment as if nothing had really changed.

Each day felt so repetitive, even as the summer went by, things got harder and harder. Stores were closing, masks were suddenly needed everywhere you went. I was so tired of hearing about Covid every time my dad turned on the television and I was tired of having nightmares about the things that happened to me that night. I slowly fell into a depression that felt impossible to get out of. The softness of my bed was beginning to become my safe haven. I was suddenly becoming one with the thick fluffy yellow blanket that had been in my bed with me as long as I had been and had. Everything was different and I felt as though nothing would change. I found myself staying in bed all day and refusing to go outside because I would be constantly reminded that our world was slowly falling apart because of this pandemic.

Things kept getting graver in other parts of the world. Thousands of people were dying. It was crazy to think that only a few months ago I had been making jokes with my classmates about covid. I was slowly rotting away in my bed as the dark thoughts crept into my mind. I could feel that I was losing myself every minute.

After going to the doctor one day I recognized that I needed myself to get myself back together. I woke up the next morning and showered right away, as I got in the shower and felt the water trickle down my face and body, it felt nice to wash off the gross feeling off my skin. I washed my hair and got all the knots out that had been getting tangled up in my hair for the last few days. As I hopped out the cold air rapidly went over all my skin as I tried to shiver it off and wrap myself in the thin towel. I rubbed off the steam from my mirror and looked at myself. My curls were stretched out and dripping water, my skin was pale, and my eyes were still the dark chocolate brown they have always been, but the little spark they had, had since I was young, seemed to have disappeared. My smile had been gone for the past few months and didn’t feel like coming back. I took a deep breath and shut my eyes and decided “It’ll get better”.

After getting dressed into my volleyball shorts and a sweatshirt I pulled up hair in a ponytail, tied my runners up and went outside. I started to run. I ran and ran and ran. I felt the cold wind piercing my face and blowing my hair back. Although after a while my legs started to feel heavy and painful, I kept going. It almost felt as if I was running from the world and running from my problems which although I shouldn’t be running from them, felt good too. I could smell the freshness of the air filling my nose. The smell of summer was amazing, it was warm and strong as if I was smelling freshly cut grass and roses.

Finally, I collapsed onto a nearby bench and looked around. I made it to the fire station. Sweat was rolling down my forehead as my legs were shaking. I smiled and felt a little more like myself once again. Each day I started to do this. These runs made me feel like I could do anything and be anything. Day after day, I started to slowly but surely feel like myself. There wasn’t much to do in the summer, cause most places were closed however around the middle of august, my family decided to go camping. One night I was restless and couldn’t sleep. I got out of our tent and wandered until I made it to the beach near our campsite. I sat on the soft sand. it’s crazy to think that billions of tiny little rocks can create such a soft feeling on your skin. I took a handful of the sand and watched as the tiny grains of sand fell out of my hand. I stood up and walked toward the water. The river was big and looked black and endless, it was horrifying. I’ve always had a fear of the ocean or any big body of water, but today I decided to get over that and get in the water, even if it was pitch black outside.

I stripped off my clothing and then jumped into the frigid water. I sank to the bottom and looked up, I let go of the air that I had trapped in my mouth and watched as the bubbles floated up. I could taste the water as it entered my wide-open mouth. I let myself go for the first time in a while and just let myself sink. I felt like I was in space, just floating in my own world. Eventually, I could feel my lungs start to hurt. I needed air but I didn’t want to go up. I waited and closed my eyes.

It burns, it burns, it burns, it burns, it burns.

My lungs felt as if they were screaming at my brain that they needed air. My brain was screaming at my arms and legs to move and get out. But my heart was tired and didn’t see the need to keep going. I felt drained and numb, laying at the bottom of the river was the most peaceful thing. Thoughts filtered in and out of my head about the last year. I wondered what it’d be like if I just stayed underwater, and, well, never came out. Who would miss me anyway?

My parents have more pressing things to worry about. Grace and Ryder, my best friends had other friends they cared about more anyways. My boyfriend didn’t even talk to me unless it was about something he wanted. My sister was better off without me. I had no reason to come out of this water. My lungs finally gave up and stopped trying. I could feel myself drowning. There was absolutely no reason for me to come out. There was no reason for me to keep going. I had given up. I laid there as my fingers and toes started to lose feeling. As my muscles started to relax. My heart started to slow down.

It burns, it burns, it…

I let myself lay there and drown.

But then out of nowhere, I opened my eyes. My whole body was charged with panic and I took a big breath in as if there was air around. When I came to my senses and realized that I was still underwater I began to swim up, it took every bit of energy I had, but I did it. I gasped for air as I stuck my head out of the water, I began to cough and choke on the air that my lungs were so rapidly sucking in. I shook my head as I realized that I almost died. The cold water felt like ice all over my body. After calming myself down I decided to enjoy the water instead. I went underwater and swam. I went fast and then slow, I jumped up and down and made big waves. I stayed close to the shore though, cause no matter how fearless I wanted to be, I didn’t want to die. My skin started to get comfortable with the temperature of the water and I didn’t feel cold anymore. But I did feel free.

I looked up, there were thousands of stars lighting up the sky. I felt like I was the only one alive. The stars were twinkling, some were big and looked like miniature planets, others looked like little fairies flying around. Either way, the view was exceeding anything I’ve ever seen. For the first time in months, I stopped thinking. I stopped thinking about the rape. I stopped thinking about Covid. I stopped thinking about social media, high school, and what I looked like. I stopped thinking. I had been running the whole summer, and I had always thought of it as if I was running away from home, or running from all the problems in the world. But today, it felt as though I was running towards a new start. I smiled and laughed.

My hair had started to freeze a bit and the cold began to hurt my face again. I sprinted out of the water and tried to shake off as much water as I could. The sand tickled the soles of my feet as I ran out towards my clothes. I took off my bra and underwear which is what I was wearing while swimming and I rang them out. Then I quickly put on my pyjama shirt and leggings. I felt like a dog as I shook my head side to side trying to get the sand and water out. It felt like it was -40 degrees outside and I was ready to go back to the tent and get the rest I needed. I waited a bit longer for my feet and hair to dry as I watched the twinkling stars in the sky.

Finally, I stood up and grasped my wet underclothes in my hand and headed back to the campsite. When I got there I put my clothes away and unzipped the tent and crawled back inside. I got into my warm blanket and onto the sleeping mattress and I looked up at the top of the tent. School started in 20 days and I had been anxious about it all summer, but right there and then I felt excited and ready to start something new. I knew that things would never be the same because of covid and things would never be the same because of what happened to me in April. But then I thought to myself, do I want things to be the same anyway? Who doesn’t like a bit of adventure? Change can be good. I laid comfortable on my mattress being embraced by the warmth of all the blankets, I could still smell the smoke from the campfire we had a few hours ago. The smell of burnt marshmallows and wood filled up the whole place, I could hear wind blowing and the tree branches hitting the top of the campers nearby. 2020 had been hard and felt impossible and I thought nothing would change. But I was starting to feel hopeful. Even if I knew that things would still be hard for a while, I had got through it. Cause there has to be rain before there’s a rainbow,

Right?

Written by Justanothergirl